New Beginnings
by yourSECRETKEEPER
Summary: Lily and James get to know each other a little bit better over Christmas Holidays in their sixth year at Hogwarts. This is my Jily Secret Santa 2013 present to Bree!


This is my present for my Jily Secret Santa Partner! I tried to incorporate all of her requests: muggle traditions, Butterbeer, and playing in the snow. I also have to apologize because the tone is less light and fluffy and a bit more sad. But I really enjoyed writing this because I got to explore a different side of the relationship between James and Lily, the phase where they are working past their history and actually falling for each other. I hope she enjoys it! Also, my apologies for typos/grammatical errors. I was trying to crank it out before Christmas!

Lily watched dejectedly as the Hogwart's Express pulled out of Hogsmeade station with all of her friends aboard. This was going to be her first Christmas alone. Her mum had passed away in the summer and she had no desire to stay with Petunia and Vernon. They only had negative things to say about her as of late. Lily was no masochist. A Christmas alone was better than a Christmas with a sister who hated the very sight of you. And she wasn't going to be alone, not completely alone anyway. There was always a handful of students who decided to sign up to say at school over the Holidays. Not to mention the fact that there were at least four other students in her house and year who chose to stay: Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and James Potter. Lily had an inkling that the only reason the first three boys had elected to spend their Christmas at Hogwarts was due to James but that was neither here nor there.

The boys would be nice enough company if Lily got too bored. She'd always enjoyed spending time with Remus and she got along fine with Remus. Sirius was as annoying as ever and she and James were as cordial as she could manage. Things between them were incredibly awkward for the entire month of September. They virtually ignored each other for all of October. But then they got paired together for a massive project in Transfiguration and their relationship seemed to improve somewhat. It was hard though. He'd played a role in her fall out with Severus last term and while it wasn't exactly his fault, Lily still felt awkward around James Potter. Lily just never knew where she stood with him and she wasn't sure she was ready to forgive him for making Snape's life miserable when they were still friends. Still, spending some time with James Potter and his friends would probably be better than spending the entire break in solitude.

Lily contemplated all of her feelings on her walk back from the train station. Seeing her friends off hadn't done much for her mood. As she walked through the streets, Lily spotted a familiar head of black hair sitting outside on a bench. It was cold and snowing. Lily had no idea why James would choose to sit outside. Nevertheless, she elected to join him.

"What are you doing out here?" she asked sitting down beside him on the bench.

"I was just getting some air," he replied with a shrug of his shoulders. James barely even met her eyes.

"Are you and your mates hanging out around town?" Lily wondered. Since the four Gryffindors mostly stuck to themselves she couldn't think of anyone that they would be saying goodbye to at the train station.

"No. I came in alone," James told her. That surprised Lily. The four boys were usually inseparable.

"How come," Lily wondered curiously.

"So I could have some time to myself to think," James replied with a small hint of irony detectable in his voice.

"Oh Merlin, I'm sorry! I'll go," Lily jumped up immediately; all of the awkwardness of the earlier months in the term came rushing back to her.

"No it's okay," James shook his head. "You can stay. I don't mind."

"I don't want to intrude," Lily protested. She really didn't. If he needed time to think she did not want to ruin that. She also felt slightly uncomfortable but she didn't mention that to him.

"It's fine. I think I'm done with solitude anyway," James gave her a small smile. Truthfully, the fact that he'd sought solitude at all surprised her. Although she often hated to admit it, James Potter was incredibly charismatic. He was a people person. He thrived off of the company of other individuals. James just had a way with people. It was something that she envied. So it had surprised her to hear that he wanted to be alone. "Do you want to go inside and get a drink?" James motioned to the Three Broomsticks behind him.

"Sure," Lily agreed. It was cold out and she could already feel her fingers going numb. James got up and entered the pub with Lily at his heel. He headed straight for the bar and ordered two Butterbeers.

"You can sit down if you want," James said to her. "I'll wait for these." Lily nodded and reached into her coat pocket to fish out a Galleon. James shook his head at her. "It's on me."

"Are you sure?" Lily asked hesitantly. The idea of James Potter paying for something of hers was foreign.

"Yes," James said firmly.

"Alright, thanks," Lily managed a small smile and went off in search of her favorite table. She spotted the booth in the corner right next to the window and smiled when she saw that it was still unoccupied. Lily liked that table because it was the best for people watching, both in the pub and out on the streets. She sat down and gazed out the window at the snowflakes falling gently to the ground. As a child, Lily loved a good White Christmas. She and Petunia used to play in the snow all day long. They would build snowmen and make snow angels. The more Lily thought about it the more it made her sad. She often longed for the days when she and Petunia were still best friends. Before Snape had told her that she was a witch, before she'd gone off to Hogwarts. She'd barely been alone for a minute when James joined her with their drinks.

"That was quick," she commented.

"Rosy has a soft spot for me…and Sirius," James informed her sliding the Butterbeer across the table.

"That doesn't surprise me," Lily admitted with a small shake of her head. She could just picture James and Sirius fawning all over the attractive bartender. Lily took a sip of the warm drink. She couldn't help smiling as it warmed her insides.

"Good isn't it?" James asked absentmindedly as he drank his own. Lily nodded trying to not to think too hard about how absurd it was that they were sitting here together. "I'm glad you picked this table," he added.

"It's my favorite one," Lily told him.

"Mine too," James replied.

"Really?" That was news to her.

"You can see everything from here," James pointed out.

"I know, that's why I like it too," Lily laughed. James joined in. It was nice but there was something nagging Lily at the back of her mind. Why had James come into Hogsmeade by himself? Lily was curious by nature and she was dying to know.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lily found herself blurting out.

"Er, talk about what?" James looked confused.

"Why you came into town to be alone," Lily clarified. She felt bad asking but maybe James really did need to talk about it with someone.

"Not really," James said avoiding making eye contact.

"Alright," Lily nodded. She understood. The topic was off limits. "How come you stayed at school this year?" Lily decided to change the subject but something in his face told her that this too was not to be discussed.

"It's complicated," James shrugged. "You?" he turned the question back to her.

"It's complicated," Lily echoed his response. She wasn't sure she wanted to discuss Petunia with James. It was something so big and important to her and while she and James had been getting along they were hardly close friends.

"Fair enough," James nodded. "Do you have any plans for while you're here?" Lily shook her head.

"I've never stayed before. I have no idea what to expect," she admitted.

"It's surprisingly a lot of fun," James told her earnestly. "Everyone eats together at one big table instead of the usual four, there are lots of snowball fights, McGonagall and Hagrid get drunk, no homework, and um did I mention snowball fights?" Lily laughed.

"It does sound nice," Lily sighed. "It probably helps to have your friends here to share it with though. I'll probably just get started on next term's reading." James's jaw dropped. "What?" Lily asked, wondering what she said that warranted such a reaction.

"You cannot do work when it's Christmas," James declared indignantly. He touched the bottom of his glass to the table loudly for emphasis. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Well it's not as if I'll have much of anything else to do," she explained.

"I just told you everything we're going to do!" James exclaimed.

"We?" Lily asked taken aback.

"You, me, Sirius, Remus, and Peter," James replied as if it should have been obvious.

"Oh well, I just assumed that you guys would—I mean, it's not like we've ever been proper mates," Lily stammered in embarrassment. Honestly, she was a little touched that James had thought to include her in his plans with his mates.

"Oh," James said nodding his head. "I see."

"I didn't mean it like that!" Lily responded instantly. "It's just that the four of you are so close and you and I never really got on that well."

"I thought that this semester…" James trailed off looking unsure. He paused and awkward silence followed. Lily felt inexplicably guilty. He'd considered the two of them friends and she just had never even thought twice about it. Then Lily felt angry with James for making her feel guilty. He'd bullied her best friend for years and never even bothered to apologize. The bullying went both ways of course. Snape wasn't exactly completely innocent but how could James just expect her to forget about all of that? It was almost as if James could read her mind because the next thing out of his mouth was probably the closest thing to an apology that she would get.

"Look, Lily you know I'm sorry about last term. I told you that," James seemed like he meant it, which was odd because he'd never said anything of the sort.

"No you didn't," Lily retorted.

"I wrote you like ten times over the summer!" James exclaimed. "Did you even bother to read my letters?"

"You wrote me?" Lily was dumbfounded. She hadn't received a single letter from James Potter.

"You didn't get them? But Mary told me your address," James explained. Something wasn't right. James had no reason to lie about this. He sounded truthful enough. Why hadn't she gotten the letters?

"No, I didn't. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened," Lily shook her head.

"Well it doesn't matter now I guess does it. I felt terrible Lily. I tried to apologize but I figured you didn't want anything to do with me since you didn't reply." Well, Lily thought, that would explain the awkwardness of September and the silence of October. But not why he considered them mates. Lily figured it didn't matter. If James could apologize as he said he did and was sort of doing now, Lily could make the same effort to forgive. And they had been getting along relatively well for the past two months.

"Well, thank you," Lily said. "For apologizing. And I'm sorry for saying that we weren't mates. We are, or we can be, that is if you still want to." James smiled at her, their previous dispute already forgotten.

"Good. As my first act as real mate I would like to formally invite you to spend Christmas with me and my git roommates," James insisted. Lily laughed and finished the rest of her Butterbeer. "Wanna head back up to the castle?" James asked. Lily nodded and they began the trek back, both in better moods than an hour ago.

Despite the fact that he had just invited her to, Lily didn't really feel like sitting around the common room with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. They weren't doing anything interesting and Lily figured she would be equally happy snuggled under her blankets with a nice book. She hadn't realized how tired she was because after only a few minutes or so of reading Lily was fast asleep.

The next day when Lily woke up it was incredibly early. She supposed nodding off before ten at night was the reason her body woke her up so soon. Lily went down to the common room and found it completely empty. That didn't surprise her. On break she usually slept until at least ten or eleven. The boys probably wouldn't get up until around then. She briefly considered walking to the Great Hall to get some breakfast but then she spotted a basket of muffins on one of the tables. The house elves must have dropped them off this morning. Lily was content to nibble on a muffin in front of the warm fireplace.

Since she was the only one there, Lily got her favorite chair. She summoned her needles and wool from her bedroom and began to knit a jumper to pass the time. With a flick of her want she tuned the wireless to her favorite Christmas station. Sitting there in front of the warm fire, with a delicious muffin, and Christmas carols was perfection. Lily couldn't imagine a nicer way to pass the morning.

As her fingers guided the needles expertly through the wool, Lily found herself making little snitches on the blue jumper. That was odd. She was never drawn to that pattern before. She absent-mindedly thought how much James might like a jumper like this. Lily briefly considered giving it to him as a present. Then, startled, she stopped and placed the needles down in her lap. Was she really considering giving James Potter a Christmas present? Had she somehow subconsciously settled on blue with snitches because he might like it? For some reason that thought unnerved her. So fine, they were mates now. But that didn't mean she should be knitting him a jumper!

Lily looked down at the pile of wool in her lap. The jumper was almost done so she might as well finish it. It was too late to change the pattern now. And she was never going to wear anything with snitches on it. Lily decided she had no choice but to give it to James and hope he didn't think anything of it. After she finished the jumper, Lily moved on to making a nice green scarf for herself. That was how the boys found her, listening to Christmas music and knitting a scarf.

"Evans," Sirius greeted her first, "Is this your idea of fun?"

"So what if it is?" Lily asked defensively.

"You need to get out more," Sirius replied shaking his head.

"Padfoot," Remus scolded his friend.

"It's a very nice scarf," Peter told her. Perhaps he was just trying to be nice because Sirius had been teasing her.

"Thanks," Lily replied, thankful that they couldn't see the jumper. She'd hidden it in her collection of wool. For some reason, the idea of Sirius Black knowing that she had knit a jumper with James in mind made her uncomfortable.

"We were thinking of going out in the snow," James piped up. "Do you want to come with us?" Lily considered it. She had spent all of last night and this morning alone. Perhaps some human interaction was over due.

"Sure," she replied. "You guys go ahead. I'll take this stuff upstairs and catch up with you in a few." She waved her wand and levitated her supplies so that they would follow her on her way to the girls' dormitory.

"We can wait," James offered but Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry about it!" Lily called out over her shoulder, already halfway up the stairs. But they didn't move. As Lily disappeared into her room she vaguely heard them muttering something about a map. When she had come back into the common room they were still all standing around. They were huddled together and Sirius was holding out a very large piece of parchment. All four boys were staring at it with mischievous grins on their faces.

"What are you still doing here?" Lily asked. They started at the sound of her voice and Sirius hastily shoved the parchment behind his back. He shot James a furtive glance and James nodded ever so slightly. "What?" Lily asked again after witnessing the exchange.

"We have something to show you," James informed her. "But only if you promise not to take it away or turn us in."

"That makes it sound pretty bad," Lily observed. The prefect in her was suspicious.

"It's not that bad Lily," Remus assured her. He was her fellow Gryffindor prefect and if Remus was okay with it, Lily figured it couldn't be that bad.

"Okay fine I won't turn you in," Lily sighed, resigned to become complicit in whatever it was that they were discussing.

"I still don't think this is a good idea," Sirius said to no one in particular. Despite his reservations, Sirius brought the parchment out from behind his back and beckoned Lily closer. She joined their group and got a good look at what he was holding. The parchment was a perfect map of Hogwarts. When Lily spotted the Gryffindor common room she saw five small dots with each of their names hovering underneath the dot.

"What is this?" she wondered in awe.

"The Marauder's Map," Peter informed her.

"How did you find this?" she wanted to know. Whoever invented it was clearly a very gifted witch or wizard. Lily had no idea what kind of magic was involved in creating something like this. She moved around to Sirius's other side and the dot labeled Lily Evans mimicked her actions. It was incredible.

"We made it," James told her.

"You what?!" Lily gasped in shock. "You made this?"

"It took a lot of research and practice but yes," Remus nodded his head. Lily could not even comprehend how they'd done it. She was awestruck.

"I can't believe it," she admitted. Lily was overcome with a new sense of admiration for the boys. While they often slacked off on their schoolwork it was clear that the four of them were very talented wizards.

"We figured we could use it to find where everyone else staying at school is right now," Remus explained.

"So that we could get everyone together and have a snowball war!" Peter chimed in excitedly. Lily was still struggling to overcome her surprise that something like this map existed that the term snowball war barely registered with her.

"Er, do you mean snowball fight?" she asked inquisitively.

"No he meant snowball war," Sirius responded with a devilish grin.

"And what exactly is a snowball war?" Lily wanted to know.

"You'll just have to wait and find out!" James insisted matching Sirius's smile.

With a little bit of running around the castle and a lot of help from the Marauder's Map, the five Gryffindors managed to locate everyone who was staying at Hogwarts and extend the snowball war invitation. Lily was pleasantly surprised that the boys had thought to include everyone. They usually stuck to themselves or other Gryffindors. The fact that they thought to ask even the Slytherins made Lily smile.

The small group of students gathered together outside of Hagrid's hut. There were the five Gryffindors, seven Ravenclaws, three Hufflepuffs, and five Slytherins. James was explaining the rules to snowball war. Snowball fights, Lily was familiar with, but snowball wars were something else entirely. They all used a simple charm to change their clothing all white. It helped them blend in with the snow. As they made snowballs they were supposed to cast a charm so if it hit someone or something it would form colors on the person's clothing. Once you had five different colors on you, you were out. Whatever team was left standing wins. James and Sirius decided to captain the teams.

Lily joined James's team along with Remus, one of the Hufflepuffs, two Slytherins, and four Ravenclaws. Each team got ten minutes to make as many snowballs as they could and create some type of barrier or fort.

"This is absurd," Lily said to James as they furiously rolled snowballs as fast as they could.

"This is snowball war," James replied grinning from ear to ear. "Trust me, you're going to love it."

And love it she did. Once the game began, Lily's competitive side kicked in. When she hit her first opponent she couldn't help letting out a loud cheer. James openly laughed at her. Lily really did enjoy running around the snow throwing the colorful snowballs at her schoolmates. The explosions of colored snow also looked so beautiful. Lily got hit by Sirius and sprinted off in the opposite direction as green splattered all over the back of her jacket. Panting and out of breath she took cover behind one of her team's forts. James and David, one of the Ravenclaws were both hiding there as well.

"How many of us are left?" she asked them in a whisper.

"Not enough," David replied shaking his head dejectedly.

"That's not true!" James retorted stubbornly. "We've still got Peter and Michael hiding out somewhere. That's half our team!"

"And they still have seven," David pointed out.

"We can do this," Lily found herself saying. "Peter's got terrible aim but he's good at getting out of the way. James you need to take down Sirius, he's killing us."

"I'm trying!" James insisted wiping some blue snow off of his glasses.

"If we get rid of Sirius and Eileen the rest of them should go down like flies," David assessed. Eileen was a Ravenclaw chaser and she was hitting every single one of her targets.

"I'll get Sirius, David and Lily you guys get Eileen. Let's just hope Peter and Michael stay out of the way," James set the plan and the three of them set off. Lily and David hurled snowball after snowball at Eileen but she kept dodging them. Peter noticed what they were doing and tried to help out. Lily motioned for him to go back into hiding but it was too late. Eileen got him. David seized upon Eileen's distraction and took her down. Lily and David raced back to the fort where James was already waiting for them.

"I got Sirius," he reported, "But if I get hit one more time I'm done."

"We got rid of Eileen," Lily told him.

"But Peter's out," David added. James sighed.

"It's five against four now though. Those are good odds," James reckoned. Lily nodded in agreement. They split up this time but Lily stuck close to James. He was always shouting good advice. Then out of nowhere, Jenny from Hufflepuff appeared and launched a snowball right at Lily's face. Lily wasn't going to have time to duck but she had to try anyway. But James came flying into her line of vision and took the hit.

"James!" Lily cried out. He sacrificed his last chance for her. Lily crouched down behind another barrier. "Why did you do that?!" she hissed at him while James lay content in the snow.

"Because one more hit was all it was going to take to get me out but you're still in this thing. It's still going to take three more hits to get you out. You gotta win this thing!" James explained sounding very determined. He then got up and walked away to where everyone who was already out was watching the action. Lily sighed and searched for the rest of her teammates. Michael was out but David was still in. Lily sprinted over to join the Ravenclaw behind his barrier.

"How's it looking?" she asked him.

"One more hit and I'm done," David sighed. "On the bright side, Jenny is the only one left. Although she came out of nowhere with those skills. Who would have thought?" Lily nodded her head in agreement. "I say we both just throw everything we've got at her."

"That's probably the only thing we can do at this point," Lily agreed. Together she and David ran full force at Jenny and Lily couldn't help but let out a little battle cry. Combined, she and David were enough to get Jenny out and then they won! James and the rest of their team came running over to celebrate. Lily laughed as they hugged and congratulated her and David.

"I told you that you were gonna love it!" James smiled. Lily noticed that they were in a bit of an embrace and stepped back awkwardly.

"It was alright," she said trying to regain a sense of composure.

"Lily, I heard that battle cry. You can't deny it." She blushed a deep shade of fuchsia.

"It was a heat of the moment thing," she tried to deny it but it was no use. James had discovered her competitive streak and brought out a side to her that she barely even knew she had.

The group trudged inside and headed instantly for the Great Hall. All of that running around had made everyone famished. Lily liked sitting at the big table with everyone instead of the four separate house tables. It made everything feel homier. She at a delicious meal and learned a lot about David and Jenny. However, the long afternoon and rich food made her feel quite sleepy so Lily excused herself to head back upstairs and take a nap and then a shower.

After her shower Lily decided the wanted to read more of her book. She didn't really want to sit upstairs in her room alone after having such a nice day. It was Christmas Eve too, and the thought of spending the night before Christmas alone in her room depressed Lily a lot. Slowly she made her way down to the common room hoping to find one of the boys still up even though it was late.

Nothing could have prepared Lily for what she stumbled on. James was sitting alone on a couch in front of the fireplace. He held a letter in his hand and his gaze was fixed on it quite intently. As Lily got closer she noticed that he had tears rolling down his cheeks. James Potter was crying. The very site of him made Lily nervous. James always seemed so confident and happy; the idea that he could be sad was a foreign one. For some inexplicable reason, Lily wanted to hurt whoever or whatever had made him so sad. Gently, she sat down next to him. Not sure of what to do she decided to ask the question,

"Do you want to talk about it?" James shook his head. She had expected that much. It was probably why he'd come to the common room instead of staying in his dorm with his friends. He wanted to be alone.

"Do you want me to leave?" Lily offered. He shook his head again. Well, that certainly didn't leave her a lot of options. Just as she was about to ask what exactly it was she could do to help, James handed her the letter he was staring at. Lily took it and began to read, it was dated to two days ago, he would have received it yesterday about the time that Lily found him alone in Hogsmeade.

_James,_

_James honey, I don't know how to tell you this but your father passed away last night. I wanted to tell you as soon as we could. The hospital barely got to me. I was able to be there for his final moments. I wanted you there so bad but I know you need to be at school with your friends for support. Don't worry about a thing. I can pick you up from school after the Holiday…_

Lily couldn't read any further. The memories this letter brought to her of her own mother's death were so vivid.

"Oh James," she sighed.

"Don't," he started, his voice harsh. "Don't say that you're sorry." Lily swallowed. "I don't want to hear it and I don't want to talk about it."

"Then why did you let me read this?" Lily asked. James just closed his eyes even tighter as more tears fell. Lily got the feeling that she was the first person to find out.

"I don't know," he confessed.

"Because you knew I would force you to talk about it, even though you don't want to."

"I don't think I can," James told her, his voice cracked with emotion.

"My sister hates me," Lily found herself saying.

"Er, I'm sure she doesn't," James replied. Lily could tell by the look on his face that he had no idea why she was bringing it up.

"No, she does. She hates me because I'm a witch and she isn't. She hates me for going off to Hogwarts and leaving her at home when Dad died and Mum got sick. She calls me a freak and she won't even look at me when I am home," Lily wasn't quite sure why she was telling James this. The only other person who knew the extent of her relationship with Petunia was Severus.

"I never had any siblings," James commented. "Always wanted one but my parents were so old. It was a miracle that they even had me." Lily nodded. "It's why my mates are like my brothers. It's why I was so close to my Mum and Dad," James's voice broke on the word Dad and Lily could tell he was trying not to cry. Lily put her hand on top of his, not really knowing what else to do. "They were old, I shouldn't be so surprised, should have seen this coming…" James trailed off.

"You never see this kind of thing coming," Lily said sadly. Her mum been sick for a long time but Lily was still surprised when her time finally did come.

"You never stop missing them do you," James said it rather than asked it like a question. Lily agreed.

"They stay with us always," she added.

"I should have gone home this week," James declared. "I should have gone to be with my mum. She's with her sister but I should be with her too. She told me to stay here to be with Sirius and the others but I should be with her."

"It's not too late for you to go home if you want to," Lily pointed out.

"That's the thing though. I should go home but I don't want to. I'm just not ready to be there where everything reminds me of him," James admitted. "I know it's selfish but I just can't."

"I think your Mum understands. That's probably why she told you to stay here," Lily tried to make him feel better. James nodded. "Have you told Sirius and the others yet?" Lily asked even though she suspected what his answer would be. James shook his head. "I think you should." Lily replied.

"I don't know if I can," James sighed. "I don't like when they see me like this. I'm supposed to be the one who knows what to do. I'm the one who always has the plan, who keeps everyone together. I have to be!" Lily never would have guessed James felt like that. She always knew he was something of the ringleader amongst the four boys but she didn't know he felt the pressure to be so all of the time.

"They're your mates. You can let them be there for you. I know that they will," Lily assured him. It was true. She had never seen a stronger friendship than that of Sirius and James. She wasn't even sure she was that close with Mary and Mary was her best friend. "Your mum wanted you here so that your mates could help you through this. They can't help you unless you tell them what's going on," Lily reminded James a bit forcefully. James smiled at her.

"You're so bloody stubborn," he remarked.

"Only when I know I'm right," Lily responded. "Now go talk to them."

"Okay okay," James groaned, getting to his feet. He started to head upstairs and then stopped to say one more thing. "Thanks Lily, for letting me talk to you and for giving good advice and for not saying I'm sorry." Lily smiled.

"You're welcome."

When Lily finally went to bed it was with a busy mind and a heavy heart. Her emotions and thoughts concerning James Potter were so confusing. They were barely even friends and here he was baring his soul to her. He told her about his Dad before he even told Sirius. Lily had absolutely no idea what to make of that. She also felt so terrible for him. Having gone through the death of her parents, Lily knew how James must be feeling. Lily also felt a bit guilty. Guilty because Severus had always hated James so much and Lily had just shared in those negative feelings because that was easier than trying to be friends with both of them. She never had any idea that James might need to be friends with someone other than Sirius, Remus, and Peter. She had no clue that he felt so much pressure to always appear put together, the man with the plan. Her last thought before drifting off to sleep was of how well they'd been getting along lately and how strangely happy that made her feel.

The next morning, Lily woke to a small pile of Christmas presents at the foot of her bed. She gleefully scurried over to them to begin the unwrapping. It wasn't as much fun as unwrapping presents at home with her Mum or with her friends but it still made her excited. Mary had given her a beautiful set of new dress robes. Mary's mother was a muggle seamstress but Mary had been showing her Mum pictures of wizard clothing and Mrs. McDonald picked up on the designs very quickly. Marlene had opted for a new book about Defensive Charms. Lily couldn't wait to get started on reading it. There was also a present from Petunia and Vernon. Lily hadn't expected that. She unwrapped it hesitantly, half expecting coal. Inside the box was a very pretty necklace. She certainly hadn't been expecting that. Lily was suddenly overcome with sadness. She missed her sister constantly. Even though Petunia never missed a moment to be horrible, something about this present made Lily think that Petunia might miss her too.

There was still one more present at the foot of the bed. Lily examined it curiously before picking up the card. It was from James. She wondered when he had gotten her this and suddenly felt guilty about not getting him anything. She still had the blue snitch jumper stashed away out of humiliation. Lily opened the gift and saw a very nice and what had to be very expensive quill. She flushed in embarrassment even though no one was there to see. She couldn't believe that he had thought to get her a present and such a nice one at that.

Still feeling confused Lily made her way down to the Great Hall for midday dinner. Almost everyone was already seated. Lily was itching to find out if James had talked to his friends about his Dad but now wasn't really the time or the place to ask. She sat down in between him and Remus and waited for the rest of the students to arrive.

Just as James had told her, Christmas dinner at Hogwarts was a lot of fun. Dumbledore had provided paper crowns for everyone to wear. Even Professor McGonagall who was almost never seen without her black hat was sporting one. They all took turn opening crackers. Lily laughed when Professor Slughorn's exploded in heart shaped confetti. James's cracker yielded reindeer antlers much to the amusement of his friends and he gleefully swapped his crown for them. When Lily got up to go to the bathroom Sirius followed her out of the Great Hall.

"Hey Evans!" he called after her.

"Yeah?" Lily replied.

"I just wanted to thank you for talking to James yesterday, for making him tell us. It was really—he really needed that. I think whatever you said to him helped a lot," Sirius told her.

"Oh," Lily was not expecting that. She barely knew James and yet apparently knew the right thing to say to him. "Well I know what he's going through so…"

"Yeah I suppose. But it meant a lot to him. I know he probably didn't tell you that, but it did," Sirius informed her. Lily didn't know what to say in response to that so she just continued on her way to the bathroom. She had no idea what to think of the conversation she'd just had.

Once she got back to the common room Lily found herself alone with James yet again. She didn't really know what to say. She didn't know if he wanted to resume last night's conversation or if he wanted to just get his mind off of his Dad entirely. She settled for giving him the jumper.

"Um, here," she said awkwardly putting the jumper in his hands.

"Oh! Thanks!" the surprise was evident in James's tone. "Did you knit this yourself?"

"Yeah, sorry it's not very good," Lily mumbled apologetically.

"Are you kidding?! It's amazing!" James smiled brightly throwing the jumper over his head, gleefully putting his arms through the holes. "Thank you," he told her earnestly.

"Really it was nothing. I only made it yesterday and it reminded me of you. I don't really do the Quidditch thing and you do so I figured you should have it," Lily tried to play it down. She didn't want James jumping to any conclusions. "Oh," she remembered, "And thank you for the quill, it was really lovely. You shouldn't have."

"I should have," he replied evenly. "And Lily, about yesterday, I'm sorry I sort of unloaded everything on you. I probably shouldn't have done that."

"You don't need to apologize for that," Lily shook her head.

"But it's like you said, we haven't really been proper mates for very long and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable," James tried to explain.

"You didn't," Lily assured him.

"Good, because I really do enjoy being mates with you," James informed her.

"So do I," Lily admitted. "It's weird because I didn't think I would." James laughed and Lily couldn't help joining in.

"I also wanted to thank you for making what could have easily been a really lousy Christmas into a good one," James added.

"That's funny," Lily commented, "Because as you're saying that I'm realizing you did the same thing for me. I thought I was going to have a terrible Holiday but then you came along and made it pretty good." James beamed.

"I guess that's what mates are for," he replied still smiling.

"I guess so," Lily said with a nod. And then, without any warning he kissed her. Lily had experienced a lot of surprises in the past two days but they were nothing in comparison to James kissing her. Her body registered what was happening before her mind did because her lips moved in response to his. Then as soon as Lily realized what she was doing, that she was kissing him back, she pulled away.

"Um, I don't think mates do that," she said timidly. She could feel a blush creeping up onto her cheeks. James laughed.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that."

"Er, it's okay I guess," Lily replied still feeling quite shaken.

"I won't do that again," James laughed. "I just got carried away. Holidays and all."

"Right," Lily nodded. She was still trying to sort out what had just happened. More so, she was trying to understand why a part of her wanted it to happen again.

"You look confused," James observed.

"That's because I am," Lily laughed nervously.

"I guess I'm not being perfectly honest with you," James consented. "I don't want to be your mate."

"Oh," Lily's voice betrayed a hint of disappointment. She felt herself frowning.

"I didn't mean it like that!" James exclaimed instantly. Lily noticed that he was blushing. She knew she was blushing as well. More often than not her cheeks were flushed with emotion. "The thing is," James went on, "I've never wanted to me just your mate. I want us to be more than that." Lily felt her jaw go slack. At the end of last term he'd always teased her about the two of them going on dates. She never thought he was actually serious about that. "I thought I pretty much killed any shot of that last term but then things got better. And you were so perfect these past few days I just couldn't help it."

"Perfect?" Lily repeated, not quite understanding.

"Yeah," James laughed, blushing even more. "I've always thought you were kind but then you went out of your way to talk to me when you could tell I was upset. I always thought you were smart and fun but something about the way you threw yourself into that snowball war…like I said, I just got carried away. I'm sorry, we can pretend it didn't happen."

Lily had no idea what to think. She never knew that he was harboring all of these feelings. She liked James as a mate but she was really only just getting to know him. Especially after his rough history with her ex-best mate Lily just wasn't sure where her feelings were. She had a lot of fun spending time with him the past two days. But that was just two days in comparison to five years. And why had her stupid lips kissed him back? Everything was so complicated.

"I just—I don't—I need to get my thoughts sorted," Lily declared standing up. Just as James was about to say something the portrait swung open and Sirius, Remus, and Peter entered the common room laughing amongst each other. Lily seized the moment and ran upstairs before she had to say another word.

Lily decided she needed to take a shower. She was always able to think better when she was in the shower. She stripped down and turned the water on hot. When she felt the stream of warm moisture hitting her back she allowed herself to think. What on earth had just happened? James kissed her and confessed to having feelings for her. That much was clear now. But she was only just getting to know him for real this term. They had such a rough history and Lily wasn't sure she was ever going to feel the same way about James that he did about her. He had called her perfect!

But then why did her stupid lips kiss him back?! It didn't make any sense. Maybe, she thought, deep down, there is a part of her that wanted to kiss him. That wants to get to know him better and maybe even as more than just mates. Her shower ends much too soon, before she has even properly sorted through all of her thoughts. But Lily went back down into the common room anyway because she didn't want to be alone on Christmas. Moreover, Sirius, Remus, and Peter will be there so Lily knew she wouldn't be forced to confront her feelings just yet.

She entered the common room and took in the scene. Peter was passed out on a couch. Sirius and Remus were arguing loudly, like the always do whenever they play chess. While James just watched from his spot in front of the fire. Lily walked over to James and sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry about before," James said quietly so that Sirius and Remus can't hear him.

"Don't be," Lily finds herself telling him.

"Er what?" It's James's turn to be confused.

"Never apologize for being honest and having feelings. Don't apologize for taking risks and seizing moments. That's what my Mum would have said," Lily told him truthfully. James nods.

"So you're not mad that I kissed you?" James asked hesitantly.

"No," Lily realized, she wasn't.

"Would you be mad if I did it again right now?" he wondered.

"I think so," she replied honestly. James hung his head in disappointment. Lily took hold of his hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. "But you can try again after you've taken me out on a proper date. Then we'll see."

She couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth. Either did James. The mixture of elation and surprise on his face was priceless. Lily realized that they could never really be mates. They were both too passionate and adventurous to be just mates. Maybe that was why they'd always argued so much, because deep down they just couldn't help having such strong feelings. And she did want to get to know him more. And if they getting to know him was both emotional and physical, Lily didn't really see what was wrong with that. If things didn't work out, they didn't work out. But they both owed it to themselves to at least try.

"You realize that only makes me want to kiss you more," James sighed.

"Yes," Lily laughed and planted a kiss on his cheek. He grinned at her. "Happy Christmas," she giggled.

"Happy Christmas to you too."


End file.
